Fourth of July in Utah

I had a very quick, semi-unexpected, trip home for the Fourth of July weekend & it was wonderful to see my family and a couple of friends! I flew home late Thursday night and arrived back in NYC Tuesday night in time to see a few fireworks from the plane.

Here are a few pictures!

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Zach turns 16 this month so I took him on his “first date” to Waffle Love & he wore his Ferrari hat I gave him a few years ago. What a cute date¬†ūüėć

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I got my firework fix, saw Hunter Hayes and Little Big Town at the Stadium of Fire!

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Wonder Woman with my sisters, cousin, Mom & Grandma.

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IMG_4044Thanks to Shelby’s nice family we snuck in to see Zoe in the parade before I flew back to NYC on the fourth.¬†IMG_4110IMG_4111IMG_4112

June in NYC

Hi! It’s been a little while. The last few weeks have been a little crazy, busy and I may have slipped into survival mode for a few moments there. BUT I’m still here in NYC & it’s beautiful as ever.

Here are pictures from June and a couple from the first week of July. Also a quick list of things I’ve seen & done:

  • Ellis Island & the Statue of Liberty
  • The MET (again & again)
  • Stomp, off-broadway show
  • Yankees Game
  • Circle Line Sightseeing Tour
  • Karaoke Night
  • Tea at the Plaza
  • Neue Galerie
  • The Frick Collection
  • The Guggenheim
  • Quick visit to New Jersey for work
  • NY Philharmonic in Central Park

& of course

  • Lots more walks (& runs) in Central Park
  • Job applications galore
  • & some homework

Enjoy!

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What you can’t tell in the awful lighting is that I’m wearing my Lizard Skins baseball shirt. Representing ūüôā

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View from Brooklyn Heights

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Thoughts in the city

Thoughts in the city

I apologize if you’re here just to hear about NYC. Feel free to skip straight down to the “older” arrow and disregard this all together, because this post has little do with NYC (& at the same time everything).

I’ve had a number of conversations with close friends and family lately about timing and life. It’s so fascinating how different life looks when we get the opportunity to look back. We see those difficult times (that were truly, truly difficult) as only a short blip. Even years can look short. Time is such a human construct.

Today I had a reminder pop up on Timehop about a blog post I had shared three years ago entitled “Why I’m not going on a mission.” That post got more attention than all of my other posts combined. Reading it again, three years later was almost bizarre. I felt so disconnected from the girl who had those challenges. I remember feeling like I was drowning. There was no end to the stress and pressure of not going on a mission. It defined every part of me. Now my life resembles none of that.

But in the midst of a personal hell, it’s the longest never-ending torture imaginable. It’s unbearable. It’s irritating when people say things will work out (but what can they say?). It’s the time your journal (& prayers) look like (& are) straight raw emotion and anger.

A few days ago I was looking through my notes on my phone‚ÄĒa semi-regular activity. I found a note from April 2015. I hadn’t read it since April 2015 because the title was “The day in which Self-Hate is a very real thing.” Sad. But true. I hadn’t read it because I never felt strong enough to revisit that very real weak moment in my life. And even though I had essentially banned myself from reading this note, I never deleted it because I hoped someday I would feel strong enough to read it. Mind you, not deleting it is a big deal because I am a compulsive deleter and organizer.

Sitting on my small bed in my tiny NYC apartment last week‚ÄĒI read it.

I read it and then I reread it. I was first impressed by what it said. The pain really brought out beautiful thoughts. Although it did make me sad, I was strengthened by it.

In the note I had outlined things about myself that I couldn’t stand. I talked about how being in my own company without anyone else was difficult. I talked about my anxieties, my insecurities, my tendency to genuinely hate myself when I made mistakes or didn’t live up to an (incredibly) unrealistic image I’d created. (Sound familiar to anyone?)

Here’s part of the note: (Yay vulnerability)¬†

“We‚Äôre all growing and changing so much, because we‚Äôre human beings. We‚Äôre created by a God, a perfect God, & so we aren‚Äôt stagnant. Like the age-old escalator analogy we‚Äôre always moving whether it‚Äôs up or down. But in the last year or so I‚Äôve become so fascinated by the gray space, because there is so much gray. Everything is not straight up or down, there are a lot of angles at play here. & God sends us curve balls to round us back to the track.

With that change comes a lot of growing and I’ve realized that a lot of the things that define me, Bailey, as who I am are things I have such a difficult time loving and accepting. 

With all that happened with (insert names here)¬†there was this underlying battle of discredit, this idea of how could they like or accept me because I don‚Äôt even like me. I am so incredibly filled with flaws and mistakes. I am made up of all the experiences that have and haven‚Äôt happened to me. Everything defines me.”¬†

& now as I read through these specific things (outlined later in the note) that I hated so much about myself, I find peace. I find acceptance. I find change. I’m not perfect and I don’t love myself perfectly, but man do I love myself a lot more than I did in April 2015.

But I want to make something very clear. NYC didn’t fix me. Moving and graduating didn’t change me to suddenly like myself. We can’t just wait for the day when we’ll accept ourselves. It’s not an occasion. That note was written in the midst of change. For the last four years (or more) I have battled (in a very literal sense) with my mindset, my fears, my anxieties, my insecurities, my confidence & myself. It takes a lot of work. I haven’t won the war. It’s not over. But I am very comfortably in the lead.

Coming to NYC didn’t change me, but it helped me to gain perspective. It’s helped me to focus on things from a wider angle. When getting your groceries is an ordeal, you can’t keep worrying about tiny things in your life. & I’m a worrier. I’m not saying I don’t worry in NYC, because that list could take a whole page. But the added perspective is refreshing in a way I didn’t realize I needed so critically.

My point in sharing this, I guess, is to further emphasize that we all need to be a little more patient with ourselves and with others. We need to hold on. IT DOES GET BETTER. I’m not perfect or miraculously ‘healed’ from my ‘problems,’ but I am in such a good place. AND I didn’t do it alone. I had help. Reach out to friends, family and professionals if you need. Needing help is not a sign of weakness, but a chance to be stronger.

I’m sure I’ll be knocked down again and again in my life. In fact, approximately 24 hours after writing this I had a minor-ish breakdown about life. It happens. But taking time to reflect and recognize things like this now is so¬†so¬†important.

Finally‚ÄĒif I had a list of all the comments about how ‘put-together’ and ‘planned’ and ‘happy’ and every other comment that’s been (kindly) sent my way over the last few years, you would be surprised. But in the moments when I feel like a few shreds of a person, just trying to push forward and make the best of life, people think I have it all figured out. You just never know. You never do. Looks can really be deceiving. So be nice to everyone, because even people you’re close with have secret demons and being nice never hurts.

So thank you to everyone (and I mean everyone, which is another list that could go on and on) who has been there for me whether you knew you were supporting me in a much needed way or not. Ultimately, life is good & if it’s not I promise it will be. Just hang on.

One month in NYC

I have officially been living in NYC for an entire month (mind blown!). The oddest part about it, is I’m having a hard time imagining not living here. I’ve never lived in Utah as a college graduate so I can’t imagine the Utah counterpart of my current life. Does that make any sense? Hopefully.

Last weekend my mom and sister came to visit and it was so fun to see them! So here’s a couple of pictures from the weekend, because those are more fun than me rambling about everything we did.

I will say though, because I don’t have a high-quality picture of it, Ali and my mom and I went to Waitress starring Sara Bareilles (also music written by her) and it was INCREDIBLE. She’s only¬†performing for another week though, so you’ll have to take my word for it.

Chronologically:

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Saturday morning we went to the top of the Rockefeller building. I recommend it over the Empire State Building, because you can see the Empire State Building from the Rock‚ÄĒwhich is much more iconic anyway. So if you want to take NYC recommendations from me, that’s one.

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Us just after church in front of my building. If I look tired to you, it’s because I had just taught a class of six 6-7 year olds in primary.

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Sunday we went for a walk through Central Park. I’m dreading¬†any week¬†in the future¬†when my Sunday’s no longer include a walk in Central Park.

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Monday we went to the MET & Friday we went to the MOMA. So that is 3 times I’ve been to¬†the MOMA and 2 times to the MET, and I can personally guarantee I will be going to both again. Ali wasn’t thrilled, but she was a good sport about it.

That’s all for this week. & I promise next post I’ll come up with a more clever title than the date of how long I’ve been here. (I love writing, but titles have never been my forte).

NYC: Week Three Pictures

Here’s a short (& late) recap of week 3 through pictures.¬†IMG_3631You know it’s a good day when you see the sunset in central park. (Although I did get approximately 12 bug bites from that run‚ÄĒyou win some you lose some)

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Wednesday I won the first Broadway lottery I have ever entered, so it was arguably the luckiest day of my life. And Lion King was incredible!

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Saturday we visited the Brooklyn Bridge & walked to Chinatown

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*Chinatown*

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Found this pond full of turtles in Central Park

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More pictures of Central Park for your viewing pleasure, because it was definitely in the top 10¬†prettiest Sunday walks I’ve taken in my life.

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The PR interns: Claire, Tanner, & me (incase you forgot what I look like)

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Me beating Tanner at monopoly deal for possibly the sixth time in a row

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On Friday we visited the MET as a class. I have a feeling living by the MET and working down the street from the MOMA will ruin me for life…but I have no regrets.

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Tanner has one pan (thanks Tanner!!) and we both have one set of dishes (literally: plate, bowl, cup, silverware) so these tacos were pretty impressive. And delicious.

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My friend McKall got home from Cambodia this weekend and my family sent me this picture‚ÄĒI’ve officially been replaced, but I couldn’t have handpicked a better replacement. ūüôā

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Also on an unrelated to NYC note‚ÄĒI found my glasses that were lost for 2 weeks¬†last week. It was a pretty big deal, but I had already ordered more so these ones have officially been replaced. So long glasses, it was a good run.

Living in the Sky

This morning my mom asked me how late I sleep in on the weekends. I told her it gets bright as day at 6:15 a.m. and maybe the reason it did that is because we are living in the sky. She suggested I name my blog post that, so it seemed only appropriate.

Here are a couple moments from my week:

Tuesday‚ÄĒI bought a little plant for my room and it is so bright and happy. (pictures of my small room and plant below, because I know you’re all dying to see it ūüėČ )

Wednesday‚ÄĒGot on the 6 train to work (I work about five or six stops away?) with two of my friends and two stops in the train stopped. A few minutes later an announcement was made that the train needed repair and that we could move over to the Q train. Well, I’d never taken the Q train, but from a quick google search it seemed like it could get me where I needed. We walked over there, hopped on and all of the sudden we were south of Times Square. Hint: Not at ALL where we needed to be. So my friends ended up taking a taxi (they work together) and I thought I’d walk, because it seemed close on my phone. 3 miles later I ended up at work with some insane blisters (new shoes that day, lesson learned) and a new knowledge to never take the Q train to work. In fact, I learned it would’ve been faster for me to walk from the street the 6 train had stopped on, straight to work. Notes for the future…

Thursday‚ÄĒMy friend Claire ended up with two free Broadway tickets to see Groundhog Day after work and she brought me along. It was good, but not a favorite. Talented cast though! (Also not super kid-friendly FYI)

Friday‚ÄĒCall me crazy, but Friday I went back to the MOMA. LOVE that place. (Thanks to friends like Tanner who will fully indulge me going back to an art museum 2 weeks in a row.) Sitting in front of Monet’s water lilies is arguably one of the best places to be, ever. They stretch across an entire wall and have a room dedicated to themselves. It’s beautiful.

Friday after the MOMA we walked through Times Square and made our way back uptown where we stopped at BareBurger, which has great gluten free options incase anyone cares. (If you ever need to know how to survive in NYC gluten free, let me know because I am quickly learning.)

Saturday‚ÄĒTorrential downpour day. Tanner & I went grocery shopping with umbrellas and rain jackets. It’s interesting how different a mundane activity like grocery shopping or doing laundry can be here. Cue the man wheeling his laundry down the street with an umbrella over it‚ÄĒyikes! Afterward a few of us went to the Natural History Museum. It’s cool, but the best part is the upstairs dinosaur exhibit and the downstairs underwater area¬†in my opinion.

Once we were finished at the museum¬†we went to dinner and headed home, because when it rains here it rains and we were all wet and cold so it didn’t make much sense to try to do anything else.

Tip: If you’re coming to NYC anytime soon, bring an umbrella because you just never know. This morning it was beautiful and 10 minutes ago it started pouring like I have rarely seen in my life.¬†(Now I’m understanding Utah really IS a desert.)

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my tiny orchid
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my tiny room (the other side is my roommate’s)

I promise I’ll take more pictures next week!

I survived my first week in NYC

I survived my first week in NYC

here’s a quick brain dump of my first week in the big apple. (so cliche it hurts)

Sunday night‚ÄĒmet my friend Tanner at the airport at approximately midnight for our red eye

Monday morning‚ÄĒ(4:30 a.m. Utah time or¬†6:30 a.m. NYC time) arrived with red eyes (but really because we were so tired)

Monday day‚ÄĒwalked 10 miles. Moved into our (tiny) apartments, found our places of employment, walked around Central Park, ate Mexican food & discussed PR like the nerds we are.

Tuesday‚ÄĒwent to work. Survived. Had a class meeting with a BYU alum.

Wednesday‚ÄĒwent to work, then visited Central Park & watched the sunset! This is going to start getting repetitive real quick.

Thursday‚ÄĒwork again & then a visit to¬†Y&R (an ad agency) where we had a BYU Alum (Adrian Martin) speak with us.

Friday‚ÄĒwork & then the MUSEUM OF MODERN ART. I have been waiting to come back here all year & I’ve been studying modern art for the past semester. Seeing Monet, Van Gogh, Pollock, Krasner etc. was beautiful & I would 10/10 recommend anyone coming through NYC make the stop. I teared up when we walked into Monet’s garden, because there’s just something about art that says so much to my heart.

P.S. it’s free on Fridays. P.P.S. I will go with you any day.

After the museum we went to a Mexican Restaurant (because Cinco de Mayo!) & mostly because we love Mexican food. It was a 1.5/10 and we will not be going back. But it’s all for the experience, is it not?

Saturday‚ÄĒVisited The High Line (a repurposed railroad track park) & the Fearless Girl¬†then stopped at Trader Joes for the first affordable groceries of our entire trip.

Note about the Fearless girl: The Fearless girl statue was very busy & has obviously been highly debated. (just google it) However, aside from who made it or the fact that it does change the meaning of the Charging Bull, I love it. It’s empowering and Saturday I saw people from so many backgrounds coming together to get pictures with this girl who symbolizes (to me) the empowerment that¬†so many girls and even women need here on Wallstreet, but more importantly around the entire world. Women are so powerful & so influential, but yet so repressed¬†around the world. Women’s issues and women’s empowerment are both¬†things that I am very passionate about though, so I’ll just leave this here for another day.

Sunday‚ÄĒchurch & writing this blog post (plus I’m going to central park in few minutes)

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foggy central park & blossoms

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the interns
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Monet ‚̧ ‚̧ ‚̧
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foggy afternoon after work
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the city
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sunset at central park
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the interns part 2
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the girls
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the Highline
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Fearless Girl

*shoutout to Tanner, Sam & iPhones for being our photographers*